40 Years I Kept his Secret, and It Almost Killed Me

Chasing a fantasy, living in make believe. 

Believing it could all go away. 

Pretending to be someone I’m not. Not wanting to be seen. 

Never able to relax, never fitting in. 

Always with a Kick Me sign on my back. 

Poor decisions, reckless behavior, illicit drugs supplied by him.

Stuffing my feelings, weight issues, overspending, poor money management, excessive shopping. 

Struggles with family, society, employment, relationships, and friends.

Looking for anything to escape reality.

Observant of everything and oblivious all at the same time. 

People pleasing, mistrusting, too trusting, insecure, hiding, lying, stealing, passive aggressive, angry, crying, running, fighting, no self-esteem. 

Stomach troubles, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, pain, nightmares, triggers, fear, self-loathing, suicidal.

Down rabbit hole after rabbit hole I went. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me. 

Therapy, chemicals and labels. Doctors, chasing blood tests, diagnostics, imaging, and hormones. 

I even called the police three different times over the decades, and they never helped me.

Fractured memories with lost chunks of time. An incomplete timeline of me. 

Living on autopilot. Putting up band aid after band aid to fix my life. 

Always struggling not to drown with my head just above water. 

Constantly looking for something or someone to fill the void.

I struggled in silence. My unjustified loyalty and love were always too strong for me. I could not speak about the horrors my brother did to me. Hoping that he would be my friend again one day. That he’d love me. 

So confused, so lost. It’s hard when you love someone and try to forgive them. 

We were both so young. It took me a long time, but I am able to forgive what happened then. But I cannot forget.

It’s all the beatings and the unimaginable abuse after, that is diabolical. The last beating happened when I was a new mother. I had to go to the hospital and needed two surgeries. 

I had to separate him into two as his little self and adult self. I will always love little him. I will never again be in the same environment as adult him. 

He has never suffered any consequences for his actions. He has no remorse. He is dangerous for me.

When I look back at my childhood, I see happy moments. I can see me running around playing, happy and enjoying life. 

But some of those memories, they are so traumatic and they are so dark.

They are so heartbreaking, that I wonder how I got through it all.

Once healing began, I was able to break these imaginary chains and my life started. 

A phenomenal transformation happened inside of me. 

All these years, and the problem was never me.

I’m 49 and I’m finally free. I transcended all guilt, shame, and embarrassment that never belonged to me. 

I left the skeletons and baggage that were not mine. 

I have a more aware and enlightened state of mind. I have a sense of self.

I found my inner child. I held her and rocked her and told her she was safe now.

I told her I would protect her. That I would never leave.

That she was so strong, so brave. What she did was amazing! 

I let my teenager have her moments and she has her say sometimes.

This has helped me heal so much.

Deep down I know I have that feisty little teenager to protect me. 

My adult self can finally smile and relax.

Little Dana is happy.

Moody Teenage Dana is content.

Adult Dana sees so much ahead for her in the future. 

My life is finally beginning. Healed before 50, oh the possibilities.

I’m finally a Butterfly. Through it all I managed to keep a path of light and love. 

And that’s all I am.

This is my journey to becoming a Butterfly.

We are all Butterflies 🦋

pastel art by Dana

This blog's author is Dana, a victim, survivor, and now thriver, after sibling sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. Find more of her artwork and writing at https://creative-dana.com/

What Do Parents Need?

This article by Brandy Black appeared in the summer 2024 edition of NOTA NEWS, as a follow up to 5WAVES' appearance at the NOTA Conference the same year.

At the NOTA International Conference, I was asked a question that was surprisingly difficult to answer quickly: “What do parents need, after a disclosure of abusive sibling sexual behaviour?” The answer below is not comprehensive nor definitive. But it is a start, based on my own experience as a parent of sibling sexual trauma, as well as the hundreds of parents I have met since co-founding 5WAVES. 

First, something parents don’t need: We don’t need more blame or shame. Although this may seem obvious, it is a perception reported by many parents whose families have received social services after sibling sexual trauma. Parents don’t need explicit or implicit criticism of the way we have reacted so far. We pick up quickly on looks of surprise, a disapproving tone of voice, or insensitively chosen words. We are likely hyper-sensitive to blame, shame, and criticism, as we are feeling them already. This can easily turn into defensiveness and distrust of professionals, which becomes counterproductive to working together for the benefit of all children involved. 

Here are some things parents need from first responders and treatment providers:

• We need professionals to come to us with the assumption that we are competent, functional, loving parents, who are doing the best we can for all of our children, unless proven otherwise–not vice versa. 

• We need our children to be treated as children, as multifaceted individuals who are much more than the worst thing that has ever happened to them, or the worst thing they have ever done. 

• We need guidance on what our children need most from us and how we can support them. (This 5WAVES handout offers suggestions and can be printed and shared for free.) 

• We need accurate and honest information about system responses. We need to be told what is happening and why, accurate estimates of timelines, definitions of legal and social work jargon, what options and rights we have, and what resources are available for us.

• We need responders to remember that we are likely undergoing the greatest shock and trauma of our lives. Our actions and emotions are probably not typical of our usual personality. We may not remember information we are given, so we may need it repeated later, or provided both verbally and in writing.

• We need to know that we are not alone and that SST can happen in any family. 5WAVES’ online parents support group can be a big help here.

• We need to be respected throughout the process as sources of information on our children and on our cultural, economic, and larger family context. We need to be consulted and included in decision making. 

• When it comes to crucial decisions, we need the professionals who work directly with us and our children to have more of a say than those who have never met them.

Here are some things parents need which require systemic support and change:

• We need all our children to be able to receive help without delays and waitlists. Families affected by sibling sexual trauma have multiple children, each going through crucial developmental stages while healing and progress are stalled, resulting in prolonged and additional trauma and barriers to both individual and family healing.

• We need assistance in providing all of our children a safe place to live following disclosure. We need systems in place to house children who have caused harm and must move from their previous home; places where they can be held accountable but not shamed, where they can be safe themselves, and where they can have supportive contact with parents and other family members.

• We need immediate and ongoing mental health support for ourselves.

• We need a designated support person who we can ask questions and who can listen to us without judgement and help us navigate systems and decisions. Ideally, these would be trained, supported, and paid paraprofessionals with lived experience.

• We need the institutions tasked with investigating and responding to abusive sibling sexual behaviour to be given the resources, time, and flexibility necessary to respond to this complex type of child sexual trauma. 

As an intrafamilial trauma, with multiple children or young people who have caused harm and/or been harmed, harmful or abusive sibling sexual behaviour requires a much longer time for initial and ongoing assessment, more time to support all family members, and simply more services to provide and more systems to coordinate, compared to cases where one child has been sexually abused by an adult.  We need laws, options, protocols, and timelines that work for our children and our families, instead of adding obstacles and trauma to an already impossible situation. This will take both money and legal change. But failure to provide them will come at an even greater cost, to children, families, and society.

LGBTQIA2S+ Sibling Sexual Abuse Survivors

This guest blog features the art and writing of Caitlyn Jean, founder of Visible Vibrant, and survivor of sibling sexual abuse. Visible Vibrant creates handcrafted, therapeutic art that serves as a source of healing and empowerment, celebrating LGBTQ+ pride while supporting survivors of abuse; their accessories are designed to inspire, uplift, and foster a sense of strength and self-expression.

a sample of Caitlyn Jean's art

Questioning your sexuality and/or gender can be a scary and confusing time for anyone. Combined with the struggles of being an SSA survivor, it can create a series of self doubts unique to your experience. It can be particularly hard to accept the side of you that deserves love and pleasure. And for some, the world around them compounds how difficult it can be by actively spreading negative thoughts and feelings about certain groups of people because of how they identify.

Most significantly, a lot of survivors struggle to know who they are. They've spent years being someone else in order to protect themselves, during or after the abuse. Being open and vulnerable even within yourself can be difficult.

These are some reflections I have made for myself along my journey. It is important to note that everyone experiences their sexuality and gender differently, so not all of these may resonate with your experience. That's okay. I hope that if you are here, you will find that something here will help you with your journey of acceptance.

1. My trauma didn't make me LGBTQIA2S+.

I questioned whether my experience as a child had warped my sense of trust, my ability to feel desire and directed me down a path I wouldn't have taken otherwise. How could I ever love a man after everything I had endured at their hands? Did I find women safer?

I can't lie, I still struggle greatly with how society has built the expectations of men. I have very few male relationships, which is something I actively explore in my healing. What I've grown to understand is how we all fulfill different roles and needs in people's lives. My struggle to have relationships with the men around me permeates every kind of relationship I hold. It is not limited to my romantic or sexual relationships. While the trauma did warp my sense of trust and it did affect my desire, it did not ‘make me gay’.

This is reaffirmed by the women survivors I've met who have strong, loving relationships with their male partners. I realized that they may also have issues of trust and struggles with their sexuality, but that didn't stop them from finding a man they could trust and heal with. Instead of being proud of who I was, I was wondering if my sexuality was a symptom of abuse. However, I didn't want a man to heal with, and that had nothing to do with my experiences as a child.

2. My gender was already complicated.

There are many reasons and ways survivors cope with their pain. Some express themselves in their body and the way they dress. In my experience I rejected femininity, preferred to cover up, and embraced apathy as a fashion choice. My relationship with my body was strained, and I struggled with body dysmorphia and becoming a mature woman. As I became more active in the LGBTQIA2S+ community and exploring myself, I started to wonder if my body dysmorphia was actually gender dysphoria.

I haven't found this answer for myself yet; like most, my relationship to my body is a complicated one. However, like my sexuality, my gender and what I am questioning was not created by the abuse I endured. If I were to minimize my gendered experience to just the symptoms of my abuse, I am ignoring some of the most interesting parts of who I am. It doesn't matter why I have body dysmorphia, what matters is that I can explore and enjoy finding what makes me feel like the best me.

3. I needed to trust myself.

From the beginning I questioned my abuse, my familial relationships one by one, whether I knew anything about myself, or if everything I knew was a lie. I questioned my sexuality, my gender, my entire reality. I am still questioning and I don't expect that to stop anytime soon.

However, I was full of ‘what if’s and ‘what for’s instead of curiosity and discovery; because I didn't trust myself.

As I continue along my healing journey, I can now look back and reflect. One thing I can see clearly is that my instincts were always right. I just wish I knew how to listen to them. I am learning to listen and trust myself so I can embrace the good things sooner and enjoy more time with them.

4. I didn't need to rush.

Questioning is a valid identity. It is part of LGBTQIA2S+ acronym. I was always seeking an answer so I could confidently state my identity, and stand up for who I am. It took years to get there and those years were an important and valid time for me. However, I didn't recognize how important they were until they were over.

As humans we spend so much time in transition, but we spend a lot of that waiting for the end goal. It is okay not to know and it is okay to take time to figure it out. It is okay to be more than one thing or none of them at all. It is okay to feel one way and then change our minds. It is okay to let our experiences open us up to other things, it's okay to let them change us. There is no rush because the end goal is to enjoy the time you spent getting there.

5. Pretending I was someone else couldn't make me happy.

Other than under the context of safety, hiding who I was from myself and others didn't bring me any resolve. I wasn't comfortable in the closet, I wasn't finding my people, I wasn't enriching myself where I really needed it. It felt raw and vulnerable to be out and proud. But once I was there it was the welcoming and supportive world I had been missing; what I needed when I was still hiding.

Coming out brings you into a magical new, visible world that embraces you and all of your complexities. It opens you up to new possibilities and new relationships that will enrich your life. You don't need to decide how to identify yourself, just seek out the people you enjoy being around and see where it takes you.

Embracing your true self will always bring you more satisfaction and joy in your life. Always question whether you are holding in your best self. Don't let the symptoms of your SSA interfere with discovering who you are and what makes you feel good. Whether you are LGBTQIA2S+ or not, being open to getting to know yourself will only lead to more informed choices toward a fulfilling life. Find someone you can chat with about topics that make you feel engaged and excited and see where that leads. You may be surprised what that can heal within you.