Anger from children who are victims of sibling sexual trauma

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It is very common for survivors of sibling sexual trauma to go through a period of anger at their parents, particularly their mother. There are clear causes for anger, including parental abuse, neglect, refusal to believe a child's report of their sibling's abusive behavior, among others. Yet anger is common, even if the mother had no way of knowing that the sexually abusive behavior was happening. Even if the parent believed and supported the survivor as soon as they found out about the violation. It feels unfair–and it is unfair, both to the survivor and to the parent. No child deserves to be sexually violated, ever. No parent expects one of their children to sexually violate another. Parents can’t stop what they don’t know is happening. 

 

From the survivor’s standpoint, anger at parents is at least partly justified. From a child’s perspective, it may have seemed that the sexually abusive behavior was obvious and mom should have spotted it. The survivor may have attempted to send signals or even tell a parent what was happening, but the parent did not decipher the clues. It’s even possible that the child did tell what was happening, but the parent did not believe it, or minimized it, or repressed the memory of being told.

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If nothing else, most parents agree that their most basic job is to keep their child safe. If that child was sexually violated, however it happened, the parent failed at their most important task. Most mothers feel this failure deeply and instinctively, whether or not their child expresses anger.

 

There are few things more painful than having your own child blame you for their greatest suffering. You may feel like an awful parent. There may be a grain of truth, or even a lot of truth, in your child's accusations--and these often hurt the most. No matter the depth of anger or the truth of any of your past failures or personal flaws, they are not the whole picture. They are not all of who you are. They do not represent the whole situation you were dealing with, your motivations, what you knew and your realistic options at the time. Your hurt, your efforts to learn more, all the times you have listened and not given up on your child, all show that you care. They indicate that you are a good parent.

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Still, when your child expresses anger at you, listening, understanding, and validating the truth of what they are feeling is far more important and productive than defending yourself or correcting your child's misperceptions or factual mistakes. It may help to practice active and/or reflective listening, to focus on understanding your child's perspective, to express that most people would be angry under the same circumstances. Taking appropriate responsibility and making a sincere apology, without excuses, for any of your child's criticisms can go a long way. Allowing your child to be angry, without retaliating and escalating, may help them to move forward in healing. However, if you know that you aren't realistically likely to pull this off, it's better to let someone else take on the task of absorbing your child's anger.

 

If your child is willing, participating in joint therapy, mediation, or using a restorative process may help you both navigate the difficult process of healing the hurt that is fueling the anger.   

 

There is a fine line between choosing to listen, acknowledge, and absorb the anger that your child needs to express in order to heal, and allowing your child to behave abusively toward you. It can be incredibly hard for you to discern which side of the line your child is on at any given time. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to change your child’s anger and attitude. You may need to set boundaries to protect your mental and physical health.

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Regardless of what approach works or doesn't work with your child, it is important to find support for yourself. It is also important to be gentle with yourself. There are truths that are very helpful to tell yourself regularly, even if you wisely refrain from mentioning them to your child, such as:

• that you did the best you possibly could with what you had to work with

• the things you did for your child that they did not see, or they forgot

• the extra challenges you were facing that they did not understand

• your great love and desire to do what was best for your child, even if they were not able to feel it, or it did not work out as you hoped

• that making mistakes does not mean you are a failure

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Hopefully, in time, a measure of healing will come, to your child and to your relationship.