(How) Do I Tell My Mom???

The blog below was written by Brandy Black, one of the parent cofounders of 5WAVES. For insight from an SSA Survivor to others who are considering disclosing the truth of their sibling's actions to family, please read the companion blog, A Two Way Street: For Survivors Who Have Not Yet Disclosed, by Alice Perle.

As a parent who has been on the other side of disclosure, what do I have to say to you, a teen or adult considering telling your parents that your sibling crossed your sexual boundaries and caused trauma that you are now dealing with? 

The first thing I will say is that I am so sorry for what you have endured, and that you have had to carry this burden in secrecy and silence, for as long as you have. It is not your fault that it happened, and it is not your fault that you were not able to defend yourself or find help for yourself when you were only a child. It is not your fault that your parents did not pick up on the signs that this happened, or failed to intervene to stop it. 

I can’t tell you how your parents, or the rest of your family, will react. If they have shown consistent patterns in relating to others, positive or negative or unique, it’s likely their response will follow that general pattern. I wish I could promise you full support, or at least eventual support. But I can’t. 

I imagine you are already painfully aware that you will not be able to control your parents’ reactions. I also imagine that it is terrifying to imagine so many possible scenarios. I have “met” (mostly online) literally hundreds of parents who have heard this news. By definition, they are parents who were able to take in the reality of their children’s sexual behavior and trauma, and seek help and support for it at some point. But among those parents, these are the most common reactions they have shared:

• Shock–which can come out as initial denial or confusion, blurting out an irrelevant, stupid, possibly hurtful comment or question, being frozen and unable to speak, or other physical reactions

• Anger–at your sibling, at themselves, at the sibling’s parent, and unfortunately, possibly at you

• Guilt–wondering when it happened and where they were, how they missed noticing it, etc. 

• Fear–for you, for the family unit, for your sibling (and their family, if they have one), for themselves

• Shame–can lead to minimizing, fear of others finding out

• Remorse and apology–saying they’re sorry, asking what they can do for you now, and/or showing pity

Your parents’ initial reaction may be unhelpful, hurtful, or retraumatizing. If that’s the case, know that many (not all) parents will look back and regret their reaction. They may apologize, or at least come around to a better understanding and support, given more time and information. I don’t say this to excuse them, but to give you some hope. 

I imagine that it will be difficult for you to witness your parent’s pain, no matter how they demonstrate it. But, even if they seem to blame you, even if you feel responsible, remember: Your parents’ pain is not your fault. It is your sibling who caused it. You are also not responsible for supporting or healing your parent(s). They will need support in grieving and healing, but it should be coming from somewhere other than you. 

So what can you control? Here are some of the decisions you can make. I encourage you to prioritize your own well-being as you ponder these choices.

• Will you tell in live time or via a message or letter?

• Will you bring up the topic in person or remotely?

• Do you want a support person with you, or at the ready to talk with you afterward?

• Do you want to give your parent(s) any warning that a hard conversation will be coming, or not? 

• How much do you want to tell them? 

• Do you have any specific requests, such as not being alone with your sibling, or not having contact with your sibling at all, asking them for help in paying for your healing treatment, etc? 

And, while you are not responsible for the outcome, here are some steps that may help your parents recover more quickly, and support you more effectively. I recommend that if you give any of the information below verbally, that you also back up the most important parts in writing. It’s likely that your parents’ listening and memory will not be 100% after hearing your story. This is also a way you can remind them of your wishes, without having to have the conversation over and over again. 

• Give your parent(s) information on sibling sexual abuse; https://www.siblingsexualtrauma.com/parents is a great place for them to start.

• Feel free to refer them to our 5WAVES Facebook Group: Parents Coping with Sibling Sexual Trauma and Abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/siblingtrauma This is a great place for them to find some support, a safe place to vent and share. The group is private, and we guard that privacy very carefully.

• If you have asks or hopes about how they might support you, tell them specifically what these are.

• Spell out the boundaries that are important for you: Is it OK for them to ask you more questions? Is there anyone you do or do not want them to talk to about this? What are your wishes around whether it is reported to police and how? (Note: If you are an adult, you are free to choose whether to report and when. If you are still underage–18 in most places–your parents may be required or decide to make a report on your behalf.)

• Give them time to process; perhaps set a way to follow up with each other after a specific amount of time has passed.

You don’t have to find the perfect time or place to let your parent know. As one parent observed, “There is no good time to hear this kind of news.” There’s no way to make this smooth or easy for you or for your parents, no matter how carefully or thoughtfully you plan. This is a time for “good enough”, not perfection.

Without a doubt, the years immediately following the disclosure in my family were the worst of my life. It was a real and profound trauma. It shook me so hard I didn’t know which way was up. It took years to recover some sense of normalcy. Yet: I am glad my child told. I did not respond as well as my children deserved, and I regret that. The path to healing, for all of us, has not been smooth. It seldom is. But I can say this with 100% certainty: I would rather endure any amount of pain than to have my children carry a toxic secret alone, hidden yet continually traumatizing and poisoning their selves and their lives. I would rather come face to face with this awful truth than to continue living a happy illusion. If my pain is a tiny part of the price required for them to begin healing, it is worth it. 

40 Years I Kept his Secret, and It Almost Killed Me

Chasing a fantasy, living in make believe. 

Believing it could all go away. 

Pretending to be someone I’m not. Not wanting to be seen. 

Never able to relax, never fitting in. 

Always with a Kick Me sign on my back. 

Poor decisions, reckless behavior, illicit drugs supplied by him.

Stuffing my feelings, weight issues, overspending, poor money management, excessive shopping. 

Struggles with family, society, employment, relationships, and friends.

Looking for anything to escape reality.

Observant of everything and oblivious all at the same time. 

People pleasing, mistrusting, too trusting, insecure, hiding, lying, stealing, passive aggressive, angry, crying, running, fighting, no self-esteem. 

Stomach troubles, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, pain, nightmares, triggers, fear, self-loathing, suicidal.

Down rabbit hole after rabbit hole I went. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me. 

Therapy, chemicals and labels. Doctors, chasing blood tests, diagnostics, imaging, and hormones. 

I even called the police three different times over the decades, and they never helped me.

Fractured memories with lost chunks of time. An incomplete timeline of me. 

Living on autopilot. Putting up band aid after band aid to fix my life. 

Always struggling not to drown with my head just above water. 

Constantly looking for something or someone to fill the void.

I struggled in silence. My unjustified loyalty and love were always too strong for me. I could not speak about the horrors my brother did to me. Hoping that he would be my friend again one day. That he’d love me. 

So confused, so lost. It’s hard when you love someone and try to forgive them. 

We were both so young. It took me a long time, but I am able to forgive what happened then. But I cannot forget.

It’s all the beatings and the unimaginable abuse after, that is diabolical. The last beating happened when I was a new mother. I had to go to the hospital and needed two surgeries. 

I had to separate him into two as his little self and adult self. I will always love little him. I will never again be in the same environment as adult him. 

He has never suffered any consequences for his actions. He has no remorse. He is dangerous for me.

When I look back at my childhood, I see happy moments. I can see me running around playing, happy and enjoying life. 

But some of those memories, they are so traumatic and they are so dark.

They are so heartbreaking, that I wonder how I got through it all.

Once healing began, I was able to break these imaginary chains and my life started. 

A phenomenal transformation happened inside of me. 

All these years, and the problem was never me.

I’m 49 and I’m finally free. I transcended all guilt, shame, and embarrassment that never belonged to me. 

I left the skeletons and baggage that were not mine. 

I have a more aware and enlightened state of mind. I have a sense of self.

I found my inner child. I held her and rocked her and told her she was safe now.

I told her I would protect her. That I would never leave.

That she was so strong, so brave. What she did was amazing! 

I let my teenager have her moments and she has her say sometimes.

This has helped me heal so much.

Deep down I know I have that feisty little teenager to protect me. 

My adult self can finally smile and relax.

Little Dana is happy.

Moody Teenage Dana is content.

Adult Dana sees so much ahead for her in the future. 

My life is finally beginning. Healed before 50, oh the possibilities.

I’m finally a Butterfly. Through it all I managed to keep a path of light and love. 

And that’s all I am.

This is my journey to becoming a Butterfly.

We are all Butterflies 🦋

pastel art by Dana

This blog's author is Dana, a victim, survivor, and now thriver, after sibling sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. Find more of her artwork and writing at https://creative-dana.com/

What Do Parents Need?

This article by Brandy Black appeared in the summer 2024 edition of NOTA NEWS, as a follow up to 5WAVES' appearance at the NOTA Conference the same year.

At the NOTA International Conference, I was asked a question that was surprisingly difficult to answer quickly: “What do parents need, after a disclosure of abusive sibling sexual behaviour?” The answer below is not comprehensive nor definitive. But it is a start, based on my own experience as a parent of sibling sexual trauma, as well as the hundreds of parents I have met since co-founding 5WAVES. 

First, something parents don’t need: We don’t need more blame or shame. Although this may seem obvious, it is a perception reported by many parents whose families have received social services after sibling sexual trauma. Parents don’t need explicit or implicit criticism of the way we have reacted so far. We pick up quickly on looks of surprise, a disapproving tone of voice, or insensitively chosen words. We are likely hyper-sensitive to blame, shame, and criticism, as we are feeling them already. This can easily turn into defensiveness and distrust of professionals, which becomes counterproductive to working together for the benefit of all children involved. 

Here are some things parents need from first responders and treatment providers:

• We need professionals to come to us with the assumption that we are competent, functional, loving parents, who are doing the best we can for all of our children, unless proven otherwise–not vice versa. 

• We need our children to be treated as children, as multifaceted individuals who are much more than the worst thing that has ever happened to them, or the worst thing they have ever done. 

• We need guidance on what our children need most from us and how we can support them. (This 5WAVES handout offers suggestions and can be printed and shared for free.) 

• We need accurate and honest information about system responses. We need to be told what is happening and why, accurate estimates of timelines, definitions of legal and social work jargon, what options and rights we have, and what resources are available for us.

• We need responders to remember that we are likely undergoing the greatest shock and trauma of our lives. Our actions and emotions are probably not typical of our usual personality. We may not remember information we are given, so we may need it repeated later, or provided both verbally and in writing.

• We need to know that we are not alone and that SST can happen in any family. 5WAVES’ online parents support group can be a big help here.

• We need to be respected throughout the process as sources of information on our children and on our cultural, economic, and larger family context. We need to be consulted and included in decision making. 

• When it comes to crucial decisions, we need the professionals who work directly with us and our children to have more of a say than those who have never met them.

Here are some things parents need which require systemic support and change:

• We need all our children to be able to receive help without delays and waitlists. Families affected by sibling sexual trauma have multiple children, each going through crucial developmental stages while healing and progress are stalled, resulting in prolonged and additional trauma and barriers to both individual and family healing.

• We need assistance in providing all of our children a safe place to live following disclosure. We need systems in place to house children who have caused harm and must move from their previous home; places where they can be held accountable but not shamed, where they can be safe themselves, and where they can have supportive contact with parents and other family members.

• We need immediate and ongoing mental health support for ourselves.

• We need a designated support person who we can ask questions and who can listen to us without judgement and help us navigate systems and decisions. Ideally, these would be trained, supported, and paid paraprofessionals with lived experience.

• We need the institutions tasked with investigating and responding to abusive sibling sexual behaviour to be given the resources, time, and flexibility necessary to respond to this complex type of child sexual trauma. 

As an intrafamilial trauma, with multiple children or young people who have caused harm and/or been harmed, harmful or abusive sibling sexual behaviour requires a much longer time for initial and ongoing assessment, more time to support all family members, and simply more services to provide and more systems to coordinate, compared to cases where one child has been sexually abused by an adult.  We need laws, options, protocols, and timelines that work for our children and our families, instead of adding obstacles and trauma to an already impossible situation. This will take both money and legal change. But failure to provide them will come at an even greater cost, to children, families, and society.