It's not a big deal...is it???

This is a joint blog by Brandy Black, and fellow 5WAVES member Jane Epstein. Jane recently gave the first talk on the TEDx platorm on the subject of sibling sexual trauma. Here she shares a critical point in her journey as a survivor.

Jane:

It was the morning I’d typed the words in my journal, “I want to die, die, die.” I felt small. My life felt out of order, and I could not understand why. What was wrong with me?

I had tried marriage counseling. I had tried one-on-one counseling and antidepressants. I gave up alcohol. Nothing was working.

The marriage counselor had said at a recent session, "Jane, your anger does not match the circumstances." I have had a temper all my life. I thought it was just part of my make up. All my screaming and anger at my husband and the kids.

My life was like a puzzle. The pieces were there, but they just didn’t fit. One by one, I started to turn over every painful moment in my life, scrutinizing them for answers. But there were so many! I was overwhelmed.

There was one piece that I’d kept off to the side. I was sure it didn’t fit. It wasn’t a big deal. It couldn’t possibly be the cause of so much anger and suffering. But I had tried every other piece already. So I scheduled a one-on-one with the marriage counselor.

***

I struggled to find the words to use. “My brother messed with me when I was 6 years old until I was 12.” I stated it matter of factly, thinking this would prove to him and myself that it was not a big deal, that it was not affecting me.

The therapist remained seated and did not move. Perhaps he was trying to conceal his surprise. He asked me questions, gently. “How long did this go on? How did it start? Have you ever told anyone?”

I looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. “It's not a big deal, is it? He was my brother. I mean, it never went too far, and he apologized. I've dealt with it.”

The therapist tilted his head to the left and leaned in towards me as though he was about to break out in prayer for me. He kept his composure, trying not to alarm me.

I started to feel like I had just leaked a big secret, and I wanted to take it back. “I was never afraid of him. I mean, he never threatened me.”

“This is kind of a big deal.”

“Are you sure this is a big deal? Aren't kids curious?”

He reassured me. “Yes, kids are curious. Once or twice. Curiosity does not span the course of six years.”

“But I'm guilty. I sought him out....I...even tried to, um, seduce him. I asked for it, so who am I to be fucked up over it?”

“Your body reacted the way it was designed to react. The touch may have felt good. It explains why you became hypersexual. It's what you were taught. It made relationships and sex transactional.”

I kept fighting back. “But it was just my brother.”

“Yes. It's a complex relationship and situation.”

I didn't want to go there. But there was a grain of truth here, small as a grain of salt, but still, something to look at. Could this be why I’d always felt full of shame, not worthy of love?

“You need to tell your husband.”

“No, I can't! He will blame all of our marital problems on me now for sure!”

“He loves you. He is loyal to you. He would want to know.”

***

Brandy:

There are generally two reactions to harmful sexual contact between siblings. One is to deem it too repulsive to consider, too shameful to acknowledge. The other reaction is to minimize it–it’s not really sexual assault; it’s “not a big deal;” it’s “just kids being kids.” To be clear, a bit of mutual sexual curiosity or exploration between peers or siblings is considered normal. But ironically, this reality is too often used as a route to reaction number one–an excuse to deny the existence of real harm, real abuse, real trauma.

Children who are subjected to abusive sexual behavior by a sibling experience every bit as much harm, trauma, and shame as those who experience other types of sexual abuse and assault. Consider these factors:

• Sibling sexual trauma tends to start at a younger age and last for a longer time than any other type of sexual abuse.

• Siblings are likely to spend a lot of time together–so there are frequent opportunities for abusive behavior

• Children who are being harmed are living in constant contact with the person whose abusive behavior is causing the harm, thus their sense of safety is constantly compromised.

• The betrayal of trust and safety when a child is sexually violated by a sibling is on par with parental incest.

• Sibling sexual trauma is so taboo that people who have been affected by it experience extreme isolation. Many survivors live decades without even knowing what to call it or realizing it has happened to anyone else.

• The ongoing and hidden nature of sibling sexual trauma very often causes survivors to experience dissociation, amnesia, PTSD, and other physical and behavioral conditions caused by stress and shame turned inward.

***

Jane:

Weeks later, I was back in the marriage counselor’s office, this time together with my husband. Again, my eyes were on the floor and my heart was in my throat. I somehow got the words out. “My brother messed with me when I was a kid.”

Would he mock me? Blame me? Turn on me in disgust? Accuse me of being overdramatic?

Thankfully, none of the above.

“Jane, I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

That wasn’t the end of my troubles. My life and my marriage weren’t “fixed” that day. But my therapist’s and my husband’s supportive responses allowed my journey of healing to begin.

***

My husband had lived for eight years with a survivor of sibling sexual trauma–and he had no idea. With sibling sexual trauma suspected to be the most common form of child sexual abuse, there is a very good chance that either you or someone you know well has been affected by it. Even if you don’t know who they are, you can still let them know they are not alone. Simply share this blog. Watch and share my TEDx Talk about sibling sexual abuse. Connect to me at complicatedcourage.com

Learn more and find more helpful resources at www.siblingsexualtrauma.com, such as:

Where is the line between normal curiosity and abusive behavior?

How is sibling sexual trauma different than other child sexual abuse?

Should I tell someone?

What should I do if someone tells me it happened to them–adult or child?

What if I think I might have crossed the line myself?

photo: Maria Socolof

Universal Precautions--for Child Sexual Abuse

As a parent of sibling sexual trauma, I have found support in a handful of web-based groups. A few are specifically for parents of sibling sexual trauma and others are for parents of any child who was sexually abused. By definition, I am meeting other parents who are motivated to seek out support and information online, and we may not represent all parents in our situation. But I have yet to encounter a parent who didn’t feel deeply that they failed their child. Keeping our children safe and protecting their sexuality are among a parent's most basic, important jobs. But even the most caring, proactive caregiver cannot protect their child from a threat they cannot see and do not understand.

It’s a refrain I hear over and over, with countless variations on the details but the same tragic result. “I did what I was supposed to. I was so careful. But I had no idea I had to worry about ____. And now it’s too late.”

We are the parents who did background checks on our childcare providers. We talked to our children about what parts of their body were private. We didn’t let them have sleepovers unless we knew the family well. We checked in with them and reassured them they should tell us if anything made them feel bad or scared. We looked to see if there were sex offenders living in the neighborhood. We monitored our children's media and online habits. We even talked to them about unwanted sexual experiences in our own childhoods.

But, almost without fail, the violation came from the person we least expected. In most cases we hadn’t even consciously judged the person to be safe; rather, the thought that this person or circumstance might not be safe never even entered our minds. We had no idea that our child’s sense of safety, trust, and sexual integrity could be forever shattered by:

• a biological parent

• a biological sibling

• a same-gender sibling, step-sibling, friend, or cousin

• a female

• a grandparent we had known to be a good parent

• a favorite aunt or uncle

• everyone’s favorite teacher, coach, clergy, camp counselor

After the fact, we look back and see that one thing we could have done that would have saved our child. We wonder how we could have so badly misjudged the character of the person who is responsible.

Yet realistically, how could we have known? Very often, there simply were no warning signs. Who is able to imagine that their own partner, parent, friend, sibling–even their own child–could possibly sexually violate a child? Do we need to trust no one, to teach our children that everyone in their lives is a potential threat? Wouldn’t that just take away their ability to trust and feel safe in a different way?

***

During the 1980’s, AIDS was an emerging pandemic. It was new, untreatable, deadly, incredibly stigmatized and feared. Medical care providers realized they needed to protect themselves from contact with the blood of HIV+ patients. They started to use protective gear such as gloves, face shields, and disposable needles. But they quickly ran into a dilemma–when should they take precautions? How could they determine which patients were likely to carry the HIV virus? Many people either didn’t know, or weren’t able or willing to tell their provider their HIV status. In addition, the sight of a doctor putting on gloves and a gown signaled “AIDS!” to everyone in view. Patients felt humiliated and offended, and sometimes even refused treatment to avoid the stigma.

Rather quickly, it became apparent that no one could tell who was HIV+ and who was not by looking, or even by asking. So the strategy of universal precautions was born. Anyone providing direct medical care would use bloodborne pathogen protocols with every patient, no matter how unlikely it seemed that they might be carrying the HIV virus. Everyone was protected, and no one was stigmatized. It has become so commonplace that today we would be alarmed to be examined by a doctor not wearing gloves.

***

What if we made universal precautions a cornerstone of child sexual abuse prevention? Not the only strategy, but a first line of protection? What if we shifted away from trying to sniff out who to trust and who not to trust, and toward identifying habits and behaviors that we can all take, all the time, to reduce opportunities for children to be subject to sexual trauma?

Some child sexual abuse is caused by individuals who are very motivated and calculating, who will find a way no matter what. But a whole lot more is made possible by impulse and opportunity. This is especially true of sexual trauma caused by siblings and other young people, and of first-time offenses. If we can prevent a young person from crossing the line that first time, we save both children--the child inching towards that line of abusive behavior and the child who may fall victim to this behavior--from trauma and shame and heartache.

To protect children, we need to set aside our stereotypes and look at the reality of child sexual trauma. We need to open our minds to face who can be responsible for it, in what situations, and what leads up to such a devastating choice. We need to be willing to take universal precautions, even within our own families.

It's NOT Your Fault

“If only I had gotten up and left sooner, I could have stopped it.” That’s what I repeatedly told myself after I recovered my memory of being molested by my brother. I was 42 when I remembered. I was ten when it happened.

It’s common for survivors to blame themselves. We may think we should’ve stopped it, or that because we didn’t resist, say no, or tell anyone, that it’s our fault. We may have felt that we participated in the behavior and therefore are to blame. If we continued to return to the person who violated us for affection or attention, we may blame ourselves.

If our young bodies were physically stimulated, our minds didn’t yet know how to interpret this. We weren’t yet emotionally or intellectually equipped to understand or handle these sensations. Thus, we may think ourselves complicit in the actions and feel responsible for what was done to us.

Through my healing process, therapists told me: “It’s not your fault; you did the best you could with what you knew at the time; IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT, AND IT’S OKAY.” With much repetition of these statements, spanning years, I finally learned and accepted these facts to be true.

I ultimately stopped blaming myself.

Now I have the perspective to think: In what world should a child be responsible for keeping herself from being molested while in the “safety” of her own home?

The fact is, in the moment, we freeze in the face of fear and shock from being sexually violated, whether that’s through physical assault, through images, or even words alone. Adding coercion or threats magnifies the fear. We can’t move. We can’t act. We become trapped. We later blame ourselves for not stopping it.

The longer we hold in this belief of self-blame, the more engrained it becomes. Helping victims understand that they are not to blame is crucial in helping survivors heal. Furthermore, when all members of society understand and exemplify this reality, we can only hope that survivors will be less afraid of speaking out.

To survivors, I repeat: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

To the rest of the world, I proclaim: IT’S NOT THE VICTIM’S FAULT.

To each other, we declare: IT’S. NOT. OUR. FAULT.