Finding My Voice To Bring Forth Change

Hi I am a 16-year-old female survivor of SSA who considers myself on the path to healing now and it feels good to finally be in that place. This is an introduction to a blog about the process of writing my Victim Impact Statement as a teen.

Finding the strength to even disclose to my parents were the first steps of healing and then came the question of charges and  how I wanted to proceed from my attorney. I was initially so worried that the case against my abuser would force me to testify in court but thankfully that was avoided because he decided to take a guilty plea to skip trial. Next my attorney asked me if I would be willing to provide a victim impact statement which at first I said, “No you already have my statement from the forensics interview.” As I thought things over in the days following that conversation with my attorney I started to think about the things he said such as this would be my chance to be heard, for the judge to see how this had impacted my life and so ... the journey began to find the words needed to help me receive that justice.

I hope you will find this blog helpful and know that if another child/teen was able to advocate for their own justice, you can do it too. I want change in many ways including victims to feel confident in their decision to disclose and pursue criminal charges against the one who harmed them, if they decide to take that route. Please read on to see how I found my voice. 

                                                                                                                Brooke 

Brooke's Victim Impact Statement:

I am not sure if I am ready to see the person who harmed me, my biological sibling because that’s what I consider him now, no longer a brother. He needs to be held responsible for my ongoing emotional suffering. I am here to provide my statement to share my side of the story and how this has impacted my life.

My sexual abuse began between the ages of 10-11 and went on until I was 15. I went through many years of self doubt, severe depression, and insecurities because of everything that happened. In that time I had lost all hope and trust in everyone, I felt like I had no reason to live, no one I could turn to about this abuse I suffered by my brother.

I want to stress the importance that this was not just sexual abuse, but a lot of mental abuse. He would say horrible things to me that I was psycho, a retard because I was diagnosed with Autism. He also said I would be the one to go to jail for his actions and the sexual abuse he carried out on me if I ever told anyone. That it would be my fault for the family breaking up. There were times when he bribed me with money and gifts to keep my silence. My brother exposed me to very disturbing porngraphic images over the course of the abuse. My innocence was ripped from me due to his poor self control and decisions and it wasn’t fair. I had plans to wait until marriage, with the person of my choosing. That should have been my decision.

The abuse occurred every few months. He would wait until both my parents were asleep and then call me to the basement area where his room was located to abuse me. He started sexually abusing me after my mom picked up a second job to help with bills because my dad got injured at work and lost most of his right hand. My mom was working 55-60 hours weekly for a few years and my father was sleeping a lot, healing from his amputation and depression.

I finally broke my silence, telling my parents after my brother started another argument saying mean things to me. He ended up admitting to it all and turning himself into the police. At least he finally admitted to his wrongs, but can I say I have forgiven him yet? No, but I am working on getting to that point because I don’t want to remain angry and stressed.

He has caused me so much grief, anger, self harm, and severe PTSD. I was hospitalized for a week after everything came out in the open due to my depression. I have been in counseling for 3-4 years. I was unsure of my own sexuality and how I identified because my trust was broken when it comes to men. He didn’t just molest me, he fully raped me 1-2 times.This shouldn’t have happened to me.

I do want to see my brother get help for his issues and have told my attorney and victim witness advocate all this. I do ask that he serves time and I know he carries 3 felonies and a potential max sentence of 30 years. I want him to be placed somewhere he can receive proper sex offender help and therapy services for his pornography addiction. I don’t want to see anyone else hurt the way I was by him.

He needs to know I will live up to the statement of “ What doesn’t break you makes you stronger.” This has me looking into a new career field to help other victims of sexual abuse. I will become a voice and take a stand for other victims. He needs to know he didn’t win because I am a stronger person today as I write this impact statement. 

Thank you to all who have stood behind me through this battle. Without you all I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Brooke

Read Brooke's mother's Victim Impact Statement in this blog.

A Vicious Cycle

This blog by 5WAVES cofounder Maria Socolof is re-posted with permission from her website, healingfromchronicpain.com. The site contains a wealth of information for those whose trauma has led to physical ailments or chronic pain.

When I’m in therapy, my shoulder often twitches. We’ve identified the twitch as Little Me—ten-year-old me, traumatized me, neck-pain-causing me.

When I’m in therapy, and sometimes not, my Blanking Part takes over, and I suddenly can’t remember what we were talking about.

Adult Me is always present but sometimes is overtaken by the other parts. They apparently need to be heard.

Let’s have a look . . .

Shoulder’s twitching, I start feeling nauseous. Little Me (LM) says that what happened to her disgusts her. (As an aside, I couldn’t think of the word “disgust” for three minutes as I was writing this, thank you, Blanking Part.)

Therapist asks if I can let go of the disgust and the sick feeling in my stomach.

LM isn’t sure. 

Therapist asks: “Why not?”

LM answers: “Then no one will know how bad it was.”

Adult Me starts chanting: “Let it go.”

I soon realize I don’t remember what I’m supposed to let go of. Thank you very much, Blanking Part. 

Therapist reminds me: “Let go of the disgust.”

In swoops Minimizing Part: “I have no right to be this disgusted. It wasn’t that bad.”

LM is stymied from letting go, because it wasn’t that bad, as Minimizing Part has asserted.  

Shoulder twitches because LM is no longer heard. She speaks in the only way she knows how. Twitching for attention.

And so the vicious cycle continues. 

To Professionals, From a Parent

Brandy’s note: This blog is based on exit survey feedback to our family’s social service providers. 

Let me start by saying I appreciate what you all do. We came to your agency because we needed to. But you chose this job and you choose to work with some of the most difficult aspects of humanity day after day. Your work is so necessary and is not compensated or celebrated as much as other helping occupations. Thank you for devoting yourself to helping children and parents during the darkest parts of our lives. 

With that in mind I would like to respectfully share some thoughts based on my own experience; things that I wish had been different, as well as things that were done well and which I appreciated.  

Parents who have just found out their child was sexually abused have received one of the biggest shocks of their lives. It overwhelms not only our emotions but our ability to think rationally. If you meet us at this time, you are not seeing us at our best or even at our normal selves. If we get emotional or angry, try not to take it personally, but rather as a sign that we need help.  

Please do not assume we will remember everything you tell us the first time. Provide information in both speaking and writing, or at least ask which we prefer. Please understand that if we decline a service or say we are OK, we may not really even know what we need or how we feel yet. Check again in a few days or in a few weeks.  

Be mindful of other appointments and demands on families’ time, finances, and mental energy at this time. Remember that all the other commitments and stresses that were already present in our lives won’t stop while we deal with our children’s trauma and/or abusive behavior. We may not be able to think more than a day or two in advance because there are so many things hitting us at once, and our brains are on overload.  

Remember that this world, “the system”, is totally new to most of us. We have no idea what to expect, no context in which to put what is happening to us. Try not to use social service or legal jargon without explaining what it means. Things as simple as who makes appointments, what each appointment is for, how long various processes will take, whether to contact you by phone or text or email, can be barriers to locating or receiving help.

You may see many clients and see similarities between cases, but remember that there is no typical case. Everyone’s situation is unique in some way. Look for ways that our family’s situation is different than what you usually see. Try to tailor educational materials as much as possible to the type of abuse, age of the survivor and offender, relationship between them, age of disclosure, cultural background, etc. 

When your best materials differ from our family’s situation, acknowledge and explain that. It can be confusing and discouraging to be given information that doesn’t apply to our particular circumstances. Examples might include assuming abusive behavior was by an adult rather than by another child, or assuming the abuse was still happening when it was disclosed rather than years in the past.  

Be honest and transparent from the start. It is the only way to build the trust needed to support us. If you have to do something because it is required by law or by another agency, explain that from the start. If you wish you didn’t have to do it, go ahead and say that, too.    

If a child or parent needs support that your agency can’t provide or that you don’t have at your fingertips, please help us find it. Don’t assume we will have the search skills, time, or mental energy to find it on our own.  

It would be especially helpful to have referral information available for various kinds of legal help. Parents may be facing issues of preserving or changing custody, immigration status, rights as parents of victims in the criminal legal system, prosecution of the child who caused harm, getting a child into treatment for harmful sexual behavior, losing housing, etc. Early decisions made without understanding the legal consequences can have major implications down the road. Social service providers can’t give legal advice, but should be aware that many families will need the help of legal advocates.

Finally, no matter how skilled or experienced you are in your profession, you cannot replace the support that comes from other parents who have experienced the same thing. The sooner families are connected to peer support, the better. If there is no in-person group, online support (see below) is much better than nothing. Hearing “a lot of parents feel like that,” is quite different than, “I have been there, I know how it feels.” 

Resource list:

CSA Centre Guide: Supporting Parents and Carers; a guide for those working with families affected by child sexual abuse

SiblingSexualTrauma.com/Professionals

Facebook support group: Parents Coping with Sibling Sexual Trauma & Abuse 

Facebook support group for parents of any child who has been sexually abused: MOSAC Chat Page for Mothers 

Discord support group: contact info@5waves.org 

SiblingSexualTrauma.com/Parents

Safer Society Foundation: Healthy Families or Familias Sanas Guide for Parents of Children with Sexual Behavior Problems