Power Dynamics & Patriarchy: The Words No One Wants to Talk About

Risa is a sibling sexual abuse (SSA) survivor, author, researcher, and activist. In 2000 she published the first (and still only) anthology of visual art and writings by SSA survivors, Not Child’s Play. The Second Edition came out in 2023. This blog was adapted from a conversation between Risa and Brandy, parent of SSA, cofounder of 5WAVES.org and author of siblingsexualtrauma.com.

Consent wheel and art by Risa Shaw, 2024.

Risa: Like many others, I grew up in a household where power was gendered. I lived in a world where boys and men were valued more than girls and women. That’s still the world we live in. Context is so important; the abuse didn’t happen in a vacuum. 

In the 1980’s I told my family what my brother had done to me. Over the years it became clear to me that neither my mother nor my step-mother felt they could offer me support on anything other than an individual level, and neither one of them could hold my brother accountable for what he did. They felt bad (and I think a lot of shame and guilt), and were pretty paralyzed. 

I grew up being taught, implicitly and explicitly, that girls and women stayed quiet. Some of this was about “knowing your place” and some was about “keeping the family intact.” We did that with silence and acquiescence, always at our own expense. Years later my mother broke her own silence and told me – and this was the first time she told anyone – that she and two other girl cousins had been sexually abused by a male cousin in her childhood. 

Patriarchy is so baked into our daily lives that many people don’t see the harm and consequences of it. We are taught not to think about how we are steeped in patriarchy. In my home, the males were in charge, their needs came first, and their perspectives were correct. I think the abuse had a lot to do with my brother believing that his behavior was okay and knowing he could get away with it, and most anything he chose to do. The boy in our family learned he was entitled to what he wanted, including taking and doing what he wanted with his sisters. My dad told me he could not conceive of his own behavior contributing at all to the abuse; that was supposed to absolve him of not having kept his children safe. That patriarchal attitude goes back a long way, and it’s not just in my family.

Brandy: The influence of patriarchy isn’t simple. Boys are abused too, and sisters also abuse their siblings. And, there’s no denying that the vast majority of siblings responsible for the harm are brothers, and the majority of siblings they harm are sisters. Although it is only one of many factors involved with sibling sexual abuse, and every individual situation is different, I don’t think the phenomenon of sibling sexual abuse can be fully understood without looking through the lens of patriarchy and misogyny. 

Patriarchy may look different in today’s younger generations than it did when older generations of survivors were growing up. In Western cultures in particular, it is less blatant. But it still persists under the surface. We may not advertise separately for “Men Wanted” and “Ladies Wanted” any more, but traditionally female jobs still pay far less than equivalent jobs that were filled by men in the past. Sexualized and violent portrayals of girls and women have been part of patriarchy in many times and places. Now sexualized violence proliferates online; a 2020 survey of internet pornography found that 97% of the commonly-depicted physical violence is directed at females, with no indication of negative reactions or consequences. 

Risa: Yes, it is not simple, and gender roles and power dynamics harm everyone involved. Growing up I had no awareness of body safety or sexual abuse in general; we didn't talk about consent or power dynamics. I’ve made a point to have relationships and conversations with my nieces and nephews, to help them recognize and realize their own agency, so we can break this intergenerational cycle. I think the fact that they know about the abuse in my generation and we talk about it, means that the cycle has been broken in my family.

Brandy: I agree, it’s so important to talk with children, to allow curiosity and openness on both sides. This is true even for those who are sure there is no history of abuse in their family, or who do not feel patriarchy is a factor in their lives.

It’s important to guard against anyone feeling absent from the conversation about sibling sexual abuse. Discussions about the role of misogyny and patriarchy in sibling sexual abuse must be framed to include male survivors and those whose trauma arose from a sister’s actions. We need to ask questions such as, where do the power differentials show up when male siblings are victimized and when female siblings harm? We must also recognize that gender-based roles and power differences are a dominant reality in many families, cultures, and generations. So we need to include all these possibilities when strategizing and messaging to prevent and heal from sibling sexual abuse.

Risa: I invite you, the reader, to join us in thinking about how unequal power dynamics set the stage, encourage, or give permission for certain people (due to gender, birth order, race, able-bodiedness, etc.) to take advantage of and harm others. No matter what you call it, what happens when one person gets to do things others are “not supposed to do”? Does your family, culture, community, and/or institution allow greater agency for some than for others? Have you been taught to value some people over others, implicitly or explicitly? Join us in thinking and talking about how we can have conversation on these issues that harm everyone, including those who have been given (sometimes quite literally) the upper hand. Join us so we all can take action to prevent further harm and continue to heal from the trauma of sibling sexual abuse that so many have experienced.