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Our Voices Blog

by 5WAVES, Inc.

Writer's pictureCaitlyn Jean

LGBTQIA2S+ Sibling Sexual Abuse Survivors

This guest blog features the art and writing of Caitlyn Jean, founder of Visible Vibrant, and survivor of sibling sexual abuse. Visible Vibrant creates handcrafted, therapeutic art that serves as a source of healing and empowerment, celebrating LGBTQ+ pride while supporting survivors of abuse; their accessories are designed to inspire, uplift, and foster a sense of strength and self-expression.

We've U-Hauled 3 times. It's Love
a sample of Caitlyn Jean's art

Questioning your sexuality and/or gender can be a scary and confusing time for anyone. Combined with the struggles of being an SSA survivor, it can create a series of self doubts unique to your experience. It can be particularly hard to accept the side of you that deserves love and pleasure. And for some, the world around them compounds how difficult it can be by actively spreading negative thoughts and feelings about certain groups of people because of how they identify.


Most significantly, a lot of survivors struggle to know who they are. They've spent years being someone else in order to protect themselves, during or after the abuse. Being open and vulnerable even within yourself can be difficult.


These are some reflections I have made for myself along my journey. It is important to note that everyone experiences their sexuality and gender differently, so not all of these may resonate with your experience. That's okay. I hope that if you are here, you will find that something here will help you with your journey of acceptance.


1. My trauma didn't make me LGBTQIA2S+.

I questioned whether my experience as a child had warped my sense of trust, my ability to feel desire and directed me down a path I wouldn't have taken otherwise. How could I ever love a man after everything I had endured at their hands? Did I find women safer?


I can't lie, I still struggle greatly with how society has built the expectations of men. I have very few male relationships, which is something I actively explore in my healing. What I've grown to understand is how we all fulfill different roles and needs in people's lives. My struggle to have relationships with the men around me permeates every kind of relationship I hold. It is not limited to my romantic or sexual relationships. While the trauma did warp my sense of trust and it did affect my desire, it did not ‘make me gay’.


This is reaffirmed by the women survivors I've met who have strong, loving relationships with their male partners. I realized that they may also have issues of trust and struggles with their sexuality, but that didn't stop them from finding a man they could trust and heal with. Instead of being proud of who I was, I was wondering if my sexuality was a symptom of abuse. However, I didn't want a man to heal with, and that had nothing to do with my experiences as a child.


2. My gender was already complicated.

There are many reasons and ways survivors cope with their pain. Some express themselves in their body and the way they dress. In my experience I rejected femininity, preferred to cover up, and embraced apathy as a fashion choice. My relationship with my body was strained, and I struggled with body dysmorphia and becoming a mature woman. As I became more active in the LGBTQIA2S+ community and exploring myself, I started to wonder if my body dysmorphia was actually gender dysphoria.


I haven't found this answer for myself yet; like most, my relationship to my body is a complicated one. However, like my sexuality, my gender and what I am questioning was not created by the abuse I endured. If I were to minimize my gendered experience to just the symptoms of my abuse, I am ignoring some of the most interesting parts of who I am. It doesn't matter why I have body dysmorphia, what matters is that I can explore and enjoy finding what makes me feel like the best me.


3. I needed to trust myself.

From the beginning I questioned my abuse, my familial relationships one by one, whether I knew anything about myself, or if everything I knew was a lie. I questioned my sexuality, my gender, my entire reality. I am still questioning and I don't expect that to stop anytime soon.


However, I was full of ‘what if’s and ‘what for’s instead of curiosity and discovery; because I didn't trust myself.


As I continue along my healing journey, I can now look back and reflect. One thing I can see clearly is that my instincts were always right. I just wish I knew how to listen to them. I am learning to listen and trust myself so I can embrace the good things sooner and enjoy more time with them.


4. I didn't need to rush.

Questioning is a valid identity. It is part of LGBTQIA2S+ acronym. I was always seeking an answer so I could confidently state my identity, and stand up for who I am. It took years to get there and those years were an important and valid time for me. However, I didn't recognize how important they were until they were over.


As humans we spend so much time in transition, but we spend a lot of that waiting for the end goal. It is okay not to know and it is okay to take time to figure it out. It is okay to be more than one thing or none of them at all. It is okay to feel one way and then change our minds. It is okay to let our experiences open us up to other things, it's okay to let them change us. There is no rush because the end goal is to enjoy the time you spent getting there.


5. Pretending I was someone else couldn't make me happy.

Other than under the context of safety, hiding who I was from myself and others didn't bring me any resolve. I wasn't comfortable in the closet, I wasn't finding my people, I wasn't enriching myself where I really needed it. It felt raw and vulnerable to be out and proud. But once I was there it was the welcoming and supportive world I had been missing; what I needed when I was still hiding.


Coming out brings you into a magical new, visible world that embraces you and all of your complexities. It opens you up to new possibilities and new relationships that will enrich your life. You don't need to decide how to identify yourself, just seek out the people you enjoy being around and see where it takes you.


Embracing your true self will always bring you more satisfaction and joy in your life. Always question whether you are holding in your best self. Don't let the symptoms of your SSA interfere with discovering who you are and what makes you feel good. Whether you are LGBTQIA2S+ or not, being open to getting to know yourself will only lead to more informed choices toward a fulfilling life. Find someone you can chat with about topics that make you feel engaged and excited and see where that leads. You may be surprised what that can heal within you.



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