This month's guest blog is another from Alice Perle, author of Resolve: A Story of Courage, Healthy Inquiry, and Recovery from Sibling Sexual Abuse. Alice provides valuable insight for parents whose adult child has taken the huge step of talking about their sibling's past abusive sexual behavior toward them.
When an adult child discloses sexual abuse by a sibling, it can be one of the most deeply shocking and painful moments a parent will face. As a survivor myself, I have experienced and witnessed the flood of emotions that follow—both for the survivor and the parent.
Over 30 years have passed since I disclosed my abuse to my mother. I was 25 at the time. The words I spoke were, "[My brother] abused me when I was a child." She was shocked and immediately responded by saying I was lying. In an effort to explain, I tried to give her moments of evidence, but she denied the possibility of it being true.
That short conversation shattered my trust in her and left me feeling abandoned, hurt, and discarded. But I did the “good daughter” thing and fell back into silence. When she didn’t raise it again, I realized I wasn’t supposed to speak of it either—for fear of losing her love. I continued to play the role of ‘happy family’ for several years, until I finally knew I couldn’t keep doing that anymore.
Now, with the benefit of time, research, the work I do as a transformational coach and facilitator, and years of recovery through therapy, I feel equipped to offer insights into what might be going on beneath the surface for your adult child, and how you, as a parent, can begin navigating this difficult terrain.
Key Steps for Parents from a Survivor's Perspective:
1. Listen with Your Heart
When we finally disclose, it’s not just words we’re offering—it’s the release of years of held pain, fear, and shame. Please hear us. Your first response is so important. Simply saying, "I believe you, and I’m so sorry this happened to you" can create a sense of safety. The road we’ve walked has been long and lonely. Now that we’ve shared this, we need to feel less alone.
2. Acknowledge This is Just the Beginning
Disclosure is just the first step for us. We may not fully know what we want or need in that moment. We’re likely still processing the trauma and its impact on our lives. It’s critical that you walk this journey with us without the expectation that everything will be resolved quickly. Healing takes time, and it will require ongoing support. Be prepared for ups and downs as we work through layers of our pain and begin to redefine what safety, love, and connection look like in our lives.
3. Support for the Child Who Did Wrong
This is one of the hardest parts for parents—navigating the relationship with the child who harmed. Know that their road to healing is as necessary as ours, but it is not your responsibility to fix it for them. Support them in finding the help they need, whether that’s therapy, rehabilitation, or other forms of professional intervention. While it’s essential to acknowledge that their actions caused harm, it’s also critical to give them the tools to change. This is not a free pass, but it’s a lifeline that may prevent further
harm to themselves and others.
4. Understand the Depth of the Survivor’s Pain
One thing I’ve learned through years of therapy is that the pain of sibling sexual abuse goes beyond the abuse itself. It seeps into our relationships, sense of self, and ability to trust others. It can feel safer for us to pretend everything is okay, especially if we’ve spent years navigating family dynamics where we’ve had to play the role of the “good daughter” or “good son.” It’s vital that you take the initiative and tell us that you understand if we don’t want to gather as a family right now or ever again. Give us the
space to decide what feels safe for us, and let us know that our well-being matters more than maintaining family appearances.
5. Respect Boundaries and Allow Us to Lead
In many cases, the survivor may choose to go no contact with the sibling who harmed them. Respect this decision and let them lead when it comes to determining what feels safe. The pressure to maintain family harmony can feel suffocating for survivors—especially when that harmony comes at the cost of our own peace and safety. We’ve spent too long prioritising others, and now is the time for us to prioritise ourselves.
6. Therapy is Essential for All
Therapy is not just for the survivor—it’s essential for the entire family. The parent needs therapy to process their own feelings of guilt, shame, or responsibility. The child who harmed needs professional help to understand the magnitude of their actions and to break destructive patterns. And the survivor needs a safe space to heal from the trauma. The healing process will be long and painful, but without therapy, the wounds will remain open and continue to affect the entire family.
7. Recognise Trauma Responses
Many survivors of sibling sexual abuse live with complex PTSD (cPTSD), which manifests in hypervigilance, anxiety, and other emotional triggers. These trauma responses aren’t always easy to spot, but understanding them can help you support your child in ways that make them feel safer. Whether they appear as anger, withdrawal, or avoidance, these responses are ways we’ve learned to survive. Your awareness of them will help us navigate this healing journey with more trust in you.
8. Be Proactive About Family Dynamics
The family system was likely already damaged long before the disclosure happened. Abuse often creates fractures in the family unit that go unnoticed for years. It’s important to reassess the dynamics at play. What roles have we all been playing? What unspoken rules have governed our interactions? If the family is to heal, these underlying dynamics need to be addressed, and that can only happen if everyone is willing to face the truth, however painful that may be.
9. What Do We Really Want?
After disclosure, we may not be able to articulate what we want right away. Healing is about more than just feeling better in the moment—it’s about reclaiming our sense of self, finding peace, and feeling safe in our own skin again. We might want distance, quiet, and space to reflect. Or we might need connection, validation, and someone to sit with us through the pain. Ask us what we need, and be willing to hear our answers, even if they’re uncomfortable or different from what you expected.
10. Healing is Possible, but It Takes Time
Healing isn’t linear, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It may take months or even years for us to feel like we’ve made progress. There will also be times when therapy cannot continue; life gets in the way, and we’ve perhaps healed one or two aspects of our life but are not ready to move on to tackle more. So, there will be months or years when it feels like everything is over and therapy is done. Your role is to offer steady support without trying to rush the process. Keep showing up, listening, interested and believing in our ability to heal.
Final Thoughts
As a parent, you are likely feeling lost, overwhelmed, and unsure of how to navigate the relationships with both the survivor and the sibling who harmed. These are complex emotions and difficult decisions, but with professional help and a commitment to the healing process, there is hope for your family. Healing takes time, bravery, and ongoing support, but it is possible.
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